Doing Okay

17 Dec

Earlier this week I visited the oncology center for a check-up, which is pretty much my least favorite thing to do. The staff had decorated the place for Christmas. Sparkly snowflakes, red ribbons, and even a Christmas tree.

When I saw my oncologist, the first thing I told him was that it didn’t matter how many Christmas trees they put up in the waiting room – the oncology center would still be a scary place.

He smiled a little and nodded. He knows. He has seen much scarier things there at the center than I have.

He told me that I have only seven and a half more months left of treatment. So now we’re counting down months instead of years.

When I got home from my check up, my mom came over, helped make dinner, and sent me to bed early. Being a mom and all, she sees a part of me that I try to keep hidden from everyone else — the part of me that is tired and sick and scared.

She worries about me, as mothers tend to do. A while back, she asked “Why do you keep telling everyone you’re okay? You are not okay. Why do you keep saying you are?”

I tried to explain it to her. I told her that the reason I keep saying I’m okay is because I’m the one who needs to hear it.

I need to believe I’m doing okay.

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3 Responses to “Doing Okay”

  1. Shannon December 19, 2010 at 10:43 am #

    Sending many hugs your way today!

    Shannon

  2. writergirldreams December 19, 2010 at 11:09 am #

    You are more than ok Jill. We will whisper it to you when you forget. You are in the palm of His hand. Remember? Remember how you always remind me He cries when I do, and no one more than Him ached the day I got the news, and sent legions of Angels to help on this path. Despite everything Jill, all the scary and the bad, you are so much more than ok. You are loved. You inspire, even when you feel fragile. You are glorious, and every time I come here, and see your shining face and read from your heart, I feel better and want to do better. I know everything’s going to be ok. It may not look like we hoped or imagine, because God has other plans for us. There there now. Keep going. Trust that you are what right you should be, in the precious flock. and you are so loved. Don’t be like me, crying like a little lamb at the closed door. Head for the open door Jill. Go on. There there now. wgd

  3. writergirldreams December 19, 2010 at 11:16 am #

    Due to technical difficulties beyond our control, like menopausal chemo brain, this sentence “trust that you are what right you should be” should have read “trust that you are right where you should be.”

    Thank you for your patience. wgd

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